A dog or Twenty.
I have always been drawn to dogs, as a child all I wanted was a dog or twenty of my own. This probably manifested because of attachment issues with my narcissistic parents. My father was angry and violent, my mother, passive aggressive and unaffectionate. I recognized that the unconditional love I needed was in the hearts of animals. We lived on a farm, so animals were everywhere, but not highly cherished. I would spend hours in the pig pen, chicken coop, by the rabbit hutches, with cats on my lap in the hay barn and going for walks through the fields and forests around our house with our family dog, Grizz. It was with her that I felt safe to be myself, alone with her on walks for miles. I knew there must be something to this when I got in trouble after a particularly long walk the summer I was 14.
My mom and brother had followed me for about a half a mile to see where I was going. They didn't see much before I went out of sight, but I knew they were there. She was angry that I wasn't at home, taking orders and paying her full attention. She screamed at me in a rage when I returned and tried to slap me but I was able to move just out of range as her hand came at my face. I was incredibly confused by her insults and her reasoning for being angry. I wasn't doing anything wrong that I could tell, but she was able to make me feel bad just the same.
I usually took a book and found a shady spot next to the creek, with Grizz laying next to me, I would read out loud or just sit. I didn't need anyone's permission to do what I wanted with my face, my voice or my body. I started to understand that I wasn't valued for being myself, but instead, for what I could give to my parents in time and energy. It took years for me to understand that they didn't love me or my siblings. Once I made that realization I was able to stop communicating with my parents and give myself space to breath. My siblings are still vying for affection, competing with one another and me to get the attention that they desire from two people who will make them earn the love they shouldn't have to work so hard to receive. My life is peaceful now, although I still yearn for a loving family.
As a child, I said that when I grew up I would have as many dogs as I wanted, and that dream did come true. I now have the privilege of caring for 17 amazing rescue dogs who give me so much more than I can ever give them. I grew up in a very hard place, and looking back I feel sad for that little girl who just wanted to be loved. But I have given her something to be proud of and if she only knew what was waiting for her, maybe she wouldn't have been so sad.
